Wednesday, October 12, 2011

{insecurities, take 1}

I'm drowning in insecurities. I always have been. Middle school was a bear as I see-sawed between struggling because I didn't look like everyone else and frustration when others dressed like me. Why can't I have clothes like Laura? was always followed up with I HATE THAT LAURA HAS MY SWEATER. 

Sympathy for having to deal with me & congratulations for making it through those years can be sent to:

c/o Drama Queen Suzanne

I honestly don't know how she patiently loved me through those days. I guess prayer. And booze. 

Mom loves the booze*

We just returned from a fantastic trip to NYC. It was lovely and exciting and exhausting and refreshing. Jordan and I have not taken a trip together since our honeymoon over 6 years ago. It was nice to travel alone together, especially since I was able to avoid travel anxiety. With booze. 

Like my mom.**

We met several friends-of-friends and spent some awesome time walking the streets in no particular hurry. We quickly learned that our travel plan of not having a plan was very foreign to some. No tickets for Broadway? Unheard of! You just wandered aimlessly? You're crazy!

But we loved it. Our schedule was open and we were relatively free to do what we wanted, when we wanted. It was lovely. And we met some fun people in the process. I love meeting new people but this process involve the inevitable question: What do you do for fun? 

Oh this question. All you runners and musicians and artsy-folk... oh how I wish I was like you in these moments. Your answer is so simple, so satisfying. But my answer? Well, insecurities take over and I am once again confronted with the reality that I don't really have a hobby. I mean, there are things I do and things I like to do. But to answer that dreaded question with those things? Well it is hard to not feel like a complete waste. 

You see, I'm not a sewer but I love to look at sewing projects online. And I don't really create but I love to think about creating. It's that whole executing thing I struggle with. I'm quite comfortable rallying the troops of random projects but I never experience it enough to be proficient. 

Jordan took control of the dreaded question and answered with a hearty and exciting Oh, Suzanne is in to arts and crafts. And the part of me that felt like I could distantly connect myself to the sewing and creating world died. I was reduced to nothing more than a Mary Engelbreit-ish kindergarten teacher. 

*that's not true
**that's not true either

1 comment:

Brooke said...

you are a clever writer! add that to your list of "hobbies." I can totally relate to this problem by the way!