trust

Trust. Oh that 5 letter word that we throw around in prayer circles and casual conversation. I say "throw" because I think we fail to understand the difficulty when faced with other's woes. Only until we encounter our own struggles do we realize how utterly painful it is to... trust. It causes us to give up a part of ourselves- sometimes our desires other times our pride.

I am finding myself in such a laughable state. Over the past few weeks I have seen the faithfulness of God poured out on our family in so many ways. As we struggled through situations here in Charlotte God provided a wonderful job for Jordan in St. Louis, He guided our conversations with our employers when we told them we were moving, and has filled our hearts with just enough joy and sorrow over the leaving and coming that is about to happen. It has been a great example of His provision in our family life- I'm sure one that years from now we will look back and point out to our children, "here is how OUR God has provided for OUR life". It has been a whirlwind. Trusting in God in such a huge decision.

And yet, even while we are still going through this I sit here unable to trust in such a little, insignificant situation that has happened. I feel so annoyed and frustrated. It is a silly and ridiculous event that has happened- so minute in the grand scheme of things, but it causes my stomach to cringe. Why? Why is it that in the little things of the day I cannot trust in God and cannot let go and let Him lead? I just want to take control- He provided this job in St. Louis and allowed so many little details with that to work out, and "Thanks God, but I got this one..." I mean, that is what is happening right now in my head and in my heart. When you spell it out over a blog and when you say it out loud it is INSANE! I am feeling this, saying this to the Great Provider, the One who created MY inmost being.

It is just a reality check... and I think blogging what my heart and what the spirit is speaking to me is good. Acknowledging what is happened and happening- accountability and confession (after true confession). I remember my dear mentor Heather Dill telling me that the Christian life is a bittersweet journey- girl, you are so right. 8 years later and I feel like I am back at square one.